the elephant in the room

I changed by not changing at all- Eddie Vedder

About fifteen years ago I found myself in a hamburger joint ordering a Hawaiian burger and a strawberry shake. This may sound like a typical day in a 19 year old's life, but it wasn't for me. For the year and a half prior I had been living as a vegan. I had just moved in with a new roommate and I found myself feeling really tired and unsatisfied. I didn't have much money. I worked at a bakery and pretty much lived on day old bread I could get for free. I absorbed a lot of jokes about my diet and ran out of come-backs and fast facts as to why I had cut out all meat, fish, dairy and eggs. I woke up one morning and decided I was done.

Many people will say that if you eat meat after being vegan, it will make you sick. I found that not to be the case. It made me feel good. Some people say that meat just is too gross after being vegan. I've never been grossed out by meat. I spent a good part of my life eating it no problem, and that fact was never lost on me.

After that meal, I started eating meat and dairy again. It didn't seem like a big deal.

Until...3 years ago when I found myself thumbing through some of my old cookbooks and listening to vegan podcasts. I bought a couple of new cookbooks, began preparing vegan goods and right around Thanksgiving 2007, my husband and I decided to eat vegan all of the time.

It was great. We both lost about 15 pounds and loved hanging out and cooking in the kitchen. We stopped going out to eat almost altogether. We broke the news to our families as it came up. For the most part, they liked the idea and many were hip to the ethical argument and the health benefits. It didn't hurt that I cooked for them whenever I could.

But something started happening to me about a month ago. I just felt kind of wasted. At first I just thought it was because my baby is still breastfeeding sooo much. Probably 10 times a day. Then I started having massive cravings. For salmon and eggs, specifically. I asked my husband if we should start eating fish.
"You've been asking me that a lot lately." He said.
"I have?" I asked.
Maybe it didn't help that at the same time I discovered and became obsessed with this blog. I couldn't take it. I called my husband at work and said that I really wanted some eggs. He offered to buy some for me. This surprised me, I thought he'd talk me out of it, but at the same time, my husband isn't really the type to pass judgement...which is only one of the reasons why he rocks. He delivered the eggs, I asked him if he wanted some (he didn't), and I fried two eggs and made a piece of toast. I ate them while sitting on the couch.

They were good. They weren't, like, the best thing I've ever tasted, but c'mon, they're eggs and I really know how to cook vegan food. Before I ate them I wondered if I was jumping off a cliff. Would I be frying burgers on my griddle next? Truth be told, I really don't think so. What I do think is that I am going from a TOTALLY plant based diet to one that is about 95% plant based. That isn't exact math. I just mean that I am going to eat small amounts of dead animals and their products when necessary.

The fact that being a veg*n might have some social restrictions on Joaquin plays out in my mind a lot, too. Most of me is totally okay with it. I had to endure sack lunches with homemade whole wheat bread and fuzzy peaches and I survived. I'm not so naive to think he won't stray on his own at some point. He may spend all of his elementary school days dreaming of bologna and Doritos like I did. I'm hoping that not putting such a strong label on our eating style will have a better outcome than being "that mean mom that doesn't let her kid have ice cream at the birthday party" might.

But who knows. I may change my mind.